It’s been a difficult few weeks. I’ve been trying to learn to deal with the
new normal – which basically equates to me being sad and missing him all the
time. He was such a massive part of my
life for so long, and life without seems empty. And yet I kind of equate it to my dad’s
philosophy on his cancer: “I have cancer. So what? I’ve still got a life to
live.” I’m sad and lonely without him;
so what? I’ve still got a life to live.
That works on some days better than others, but I’ve been trying. Generally thinking about him in the abstract
works better than thinking about him specifically, and everything we did and
were supposedly going to have.
One positive thing to come from the breakup is that I’ve
been going to mass every Sunday again, which I haven’t done in years. I used to work Sundays, and then when I
actually got Sundays off, I spent it with the boy since it was the only day off
together we had. I’ve been living a more
secular life in general since high school, and I have definitely felt its
effects, especially in difficult times.
I was at mass the other week and there was a reading from 1
Thessalonians 5:16 – 18:
“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”
Rejoice always. In everything give
thanks. That’s a hell of thing to ask of
people! There is a lot of bad in the
world (Whoa! Newsflash, right?) and we
are told to be happy in all of it. The
priest gave a great homily explaining why we are called to do so, and how to go
about doing it. Needless to say, it left
an impact on me. First off, I will continuously
admit to being unbelievably blessed, and having so many amazing people and
circumstances in my life. The fact is,
however, I am experiencing loneliness like I have never had before in my privileged
life. I was in a really loving, intimate
relationship that helped me do a lot growing and improving…and that presence is
no longer in my life. I wasn’t lonely
before, because I didn’t know any differently.
Yet I am called to rejoice and give thanks in
my loneliness, which just sounds impossible at first glance. Upon meditation and prayer, however, it occurred
to me that it’s exactly what I need to do to help myself heal. I have thousands of moments to rejoice and
give thanks for in that two and a half years we were together. From the first time I knew I was in serious
trouble with this guy when he drove to the West Falls Church metro station to
meet me after a class at 11pm just to cuddle in his car for a half an hour, to
the first time (and all the subsequent times) he brought me
flowers/chocolate/coffee/breakfast at work, I was usually treated
spectacularly. It’s painful to wake up in the morning without him, and falling
asleep alone is difficult on the good days, but I’m so grateful for all the
times I slept in his arms feeling loved.
I’m appreciative of my friends who are quick
to find fault and blame in him, and eager to side with me in most areas of this…but
despite how it ended (and the moments of hardship in between), I know how I was
treated. I saw and knew a side of him
that I don’t think many people get to experience, which is honestly just a
shame because it’s amazing. I love him,
and I don’t think that’s ever going to go away – just change – and I am beyond
lucky to have experienced love like I did with him.
In the dark moments where nothing is beautiful
and everything hurts (to bastardize a Kurt Vonnegut quote), instead of just
listing the reasons we didn’t work, I need to say thanks for all the things
that did. The fact is that he made me so
much more than I was, and whoever I end up with should be eternally grateful
for all that he did, and helped me become.
This will be my mantra as I lead myself out of the darkness I’m
currently in: Rejoice always, pray often and in everything give thanks.
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