The Post That Took a Month to Write - The End of a Chapter

This post took me a month to write.  A lot has happened in that month, and I sat down several times to write this, but I could never get it out quite right.  Even after numerous rewrites, I’m still not sure it’s where I want it to be, but I’m ready to move on from it – and everything it’s about – so I’m going to drop the mike and walk away.

The last few weeks have been…difficult. Christmas Eve I found out some information that I had been suspecting for a while about my ex.  Out of respect for his family, whom I love dearly, I will not be going into details, but it was really difficult to hear.  I had spent the previous three weeks or so of our breakup defending him to my friends and family – hell, I was defending him to his friends and family.  I thought the breakup was going to be good for him and allow him to get to a healthier, happier place.  I was trying to maintain cordiality with him in the hopes of being able to be friends one day, since he was one of my best friends for two and a half years.  I even still took him to a concert that I had already bought tickets for as his Christmas present.  Turns out it was pretty much all for nothing.  He is now someone I do not recognize, and do not want to be a part of.

It has been incredibly difficult to reconcile the really great guy that I dated with the person he is acting like now.  It makes me question pretty much everything.  I keep trying to figure out when everything became a lie for him.  I thought we were really happy, and then in October I noticed a change in behavior, but he kept insisting we were okay. It was work. He was unhappy in the area he was living. Lies, lies, lies. My instincts told me there was something wrong, but I had no reason not to trust him, so I did. I pushed aside all the thoughts in my head and the noise in my heart and renewed my efforts to show him I loved him. 

November just kept getting worse. It made me start to hesitate about my life with him.  He had broken up with me in November of 2013, right before Thanksgiving and here he was acting weird again.  Was this going to happen every year? Was I really going to be okay with getting nervous and worried and questioning everything every November?

Thanksgiving was a complete disaster.  Looking back now and knowing what I know...just makes it so much worse.  I fully own up to my craziness on most days and I admit I was acting a nutty and out of character that day, but he definitely surpassed me on the Richter Scale of Crazy.  That day which started off so normal, so nice and ended so dramatically will probably sit with me for the rest of my life.  It was the day I really saw how different he had become, and how much I did not like the person he now was.  My life had turned into an 80s country song.

In the last month, my few interactions with him have been so bizarre and out of character for what I knew of him.  Based on stories I hear, it sounds a lot like he has become the person he was a couple years before we dated.  Every time I thought that the last of the b.s. had passed, something else came up.  His reactions to things are overinflated and ridiculous.  It took almost two months to get my stuff back, even with everything he has going on now.  I keep thinking it’s the end of our interaction, but somehow there is more.  Even as I type this, I get a text from him saying he need something from the trunk of my car.  I have asked him to delete me from his contacts, but apparently I have to block him.

The worst of it is that he gaslighted me.   He made me doubt my instincts and pretty much told me I was being crazy for all of my apprehensions and voices in my head.  I’m so frustrated with myself now for not trusting that which has always pointed me in the right direction (if I bothered to listen).  If learned anything from this experience - although I hope I learned a lot - it is to trust my gut, and not just swayed by the pretty blue eyes of the boy I love.

Those who know me well know that I had trust and commitment issues before him, a lot of which he helped me to start working through.  With the way things ended up ending, and all that I have found out after, it makes it difficult to not take 5 steps back to where I was before.  I just don’t want to give him that power over me.  He carried his ex’s actions with him like a blanket that I constantly tried to prove worthy of taking off.  I don’t want his actions and behaviors to create massive roadblocks in my next relationship the like of which I had to deal with in him.  I know we all carry around our pasts, and the people who we’ve known, but I want to learn from the experience and walk away from it.  I do not want to be completely jaded and labelled by everything that has happened the past several months. 

With the posting of this blog post, I am making my decision to walk away from the drama and craziness the past few months have brought.  I am not built to be an emotional mess and I do not like living inside the plot of a CW tv show.  I will look back fondly on all of the amazing memories I have with a remarkable man, and be grateful for not being around the person who took his place. It’s the start of a new year and a new chapter in my life.  It’s going to be a year of new adventures and treasuring all the amazing things in my life – but that’s my next post!

Image borrowed from Jenny at http://purehappylife.com/life_quotes_love_quotes/one-of-the-happiest-moments-in-life-is-when-you-find-the-courage-to-let-go-of-what-you-cant-change.html#lightbox/0/

Rejoicing in Loneliness...Or At Least Attempting To

It’s been a difficult few weeks.  I’ve been trying to learn to deal with the new normal – which basically equates to me being sad and missing him all the time.  He was such a massive part of my life for so long, and life without seems empty.   And yet I kind of equate it to my dad’s philosophy on his cancer: “I have cancer. So what? I’ve still got a life to live.”  I’m sad and lonely without him; so what? I’ve still got a life to live.  That works on some days better than others, but I’ve been trying.  Generally thinking about him in the abstract works better than thinking about him specifically, and everything we did and were supposedly going to have. 

One positive thing to come from the breakup is that I’ve been going to mass every Sunday again, which I haven’t done in years.  I used to work Sundays, and then when I actually got Sundays off, I spent it with the boy since it was the only day off together we had.  I’ve been living a more secular life in general since high school, and I have definitely felt its effects, especially in difficult times.  I was at mass the other week and there was a reading from 1 Thessalonians 5:16 – 18: 

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”

Rejoice always. In everything give thanks.  That’s a hell of thing to ask of people!  There is a lot of bad in the world (Whoa!  Newsflash, right?) and we are told to be happy in all of it.  The priest gave a great homily explaining why we are called to do so, and how to go about doing it.  Needless to say, it left an impact on me.  First off, I will continuously admit to being unbelievably blessed, and having so many amazing people and circumstances in my life.  The fact is, however, I am experiencing loneliness like I have never had before in my privileged life.  I was in a really loving, intimate relationship that helped me do a lot growing and improving…and that presence is no longer in my life.  I wasn’t lonely before, because I didn’t know any differently. 

Yet I am called to rejoice and give thanks in my loneliness, which just sounds impossible at first glance.  Upon meditation and prayer, however, it occurred to me that it’s exactly what I need to do to help myself heal.  I have thousands of moments to rejoice and give thanks for in that two and a half years we were together.  From the first time I knew I was in serious trouble with this guy when he drove to the West Falls Church metro station to meet me after a class at 11pm just to cuddle in his car for a half an hour, to the first time (and all the subsequent times) he brought me flowers/chocolate/coffee/breakfast at work, I was usually treated spectacularly. It’s painful to wake up in the morning without him, and falling asleep alone is difficult on the good days, but I’m so grateful for all the times I slept in his arms feeling loved.

I’m appreciative of my friends who are quick to find fault and blame in him, and eager to side with me in most areas of this…but despite how it ended (and the moments of hardship in between), I know how I was treated.  I saw and knew a side of him that I don’t think many people get to experience, which is honestly just a shame because it’s amazing.  I love him, and I don’t think that’s ever going to go away – just change – and I am beyond lucky to have experienced love like I did with him.

In the dark moments where nothing is beautiful and everything hurts (to bastardize a Kurt Vonnegut quote), instead of just listing the reasons we didn’t work, I need to say thanks for all the things that did.  The fact is that he made me so much more than I was, and whoever I end up with should be eternally grateful for all that he did, and helped me become.  This will be my mantra as I lead myself out of the darkness I’m currently in: Rejoice always, pray often and in everything give thanks.

Navigating My Day Off

Days off are definitely rough seas these days.  I have to keep myself busy so I don’t have much solitary thinking time.  I decided to start my Monday off with a yoga class. I had actually started going to the same yoga class last time the boy and I broke up, and even though I’m terrible at it, I got to really enjoy it.  Then we got back together, and work got crazy and I stopped having Mondays off regularly, and I got out of the habit.  I’m trying to recommit myself to it, because it not only gives me something to do, but I’ve seen yoga do great things both physically and spiritually for people, and I could definitely use some of that right now.  It was apparently a Hatha flow style yoga class, and the emphasis on breathing and meditation gave me something to concentrate on.  I’m definitely not great at keeping my mind clear while meditating, but that will come with time and practice (as all things do).

It was a great way to start my morning, and I felt more centered than I’ve been in a while. When I got home, I actually cooked myself breakfast.  My eating habits have admittedly not been as regular as they should have been the past week.  Breakfast especially was hard to eat, because it’s a meal I have almost entirely associated with the boy – since I never really make breakfast food except with him.  I’m working on trying to reclaim all the thousands of small memories I have associated with him, bit by bit, so maybe it won’t be as hard to go through my day.

As mentioned in previous posts, I think one of the biggest keys to my healing will be doing things for others.   Concentrating on being good to other people will hopefully keep my mind and heart busy on other things, instead of focusing on how much I miss him. I did not get a chance to write cards on Sunday because I got from my friend’s too late, and I wasn’t really up for writing them yesterday.  Instead I decided to do something to acknowledge how much my friend & coworker Donnelle has done for me recently. I dropped by with pink roses (her favorite color), and left a note letting her know that without her support, strength and encouragement,  my life would be a lot more difficult.  I know she’s dealing with a lot of stress on her plate right now, both at work and in her personal life,  and I was hoping to brighten her day up a bit.  I find that having someone acknowledge your worth always makes dealing with various stresses and unhappiness easier.

I’m lucky to have her both at work and outside work.  She does a great job helping me to run the store, and I never have to worry about things when she’s there.  She helped pick up my slack at work on several occasions when I was distracted and not at my best.  She has also usually been one of the first people to know if/when things were wrong with the boy and I, and she gave me a lot of strength when I couldn’t find it on my own.  I’m blessed to have a lot of amazing, supportive and loving friends, and I need to do a better job at acknowledging that.  After all, “I get by with a little help from my friends.”

My First Sunday Without Him

Sundays used to be my favorite day of the week. Since I work Saturdays, Sundays were the only full day boy and I had together.  Being able to wake up in his arms, and being able to stay cuddled in bed, not having to rush off to work was incredibly special.  We’d make a giant breakfast, and in the colder months relax in front of the fire.  If it was the season, we’d watch sports (NASCAR and/or football), go to wineries, head to our favorite microbrewery (BadWolf!), hang out with family or friends, go boating in the summer, or just hang out for a quiet day at his house.  Sundays were my saving grace through the rest of the week.

Two Sundays ago, I woke up alone, but excited. The boy had been hunting and was coming back later that day. I was blissfully unaware that in a few short hours, he would come home proclaiming he was leaving, and start the end of our relationship.  Last Sunday, I woke up with my stomach in knots.  The boy was (once again) hunting, but coming back later that day.  This time I knew that when he came back, we’d be having a major talk…and I didn’t see it ending well.   Maybe it was good timing that we broke up when we did, because the boy and I haven’t had a Sunday morning together for (now) three weeks.

I woke up this morning alone, in a cold bed, missing him terribly. Like it has been for the last couple weeks, mornings continue to be the hardest part of my day. I turned on the tv since quiet is my enemy, and had to go through the list of reasons why things wouldn’t work with the boy.  With the vastness of the day without him looming ahead of me, I had to craft myself a schedule on what I was going to do today to keep busy.

My day is going to start with church with my mom, followed by The Theory of Everything.  Thinking on that now, that may not be a great decision, because I can see myself becoming an emotional mess in the movie.  Later, I’ve got plans with a couple of my friends (one of whom is also going through a breakup, so hanging out will help her as well).  When I come home tonight, I think I need to start on my list of things to do to keep busy.  I’ll write some letters, and try to connect with friends I don’t see much.  It will help to know that in the next couple of days, some peoples’ days will be made a bit brighter by getting a card or letter in the mail.

Sundays are going to be painful for a while, I think - at least until I can make new routines with different people. I look forward to getting to the point that I can look back on our two years on Sundays without any longing dulling all the happy memories. Who has Sundays free to play?

Heartbreak

A month ago, I thought that the biggest challenge for me with the Positivity Project would be dealing with Groupon customers at work.  I was wrong. Groupon is the least of my worries now.

Two weeks ago, the guy I’ve been dating for two and a half years--who I thought was the love of my life--basically told me that we weren’t going to work out.  He’s unbelievably unhappy living in this area (he’s a country boy) and hates his job.  He needs to move, and the place he’s moving – bumfucknowhere - I won’t be happy.  

He had been hunting and I hadn’t seen or heard from him in five days. When he gets home and one of the first things out of his mouth is “I’m leaving in the spring.”  We had a few days the next week of still being together but knowing that the end was coming, before an incident on Thanksgiving (where I fully admit I let my crazy out a bit, but so did he).  He went hunting the next day, and when he came back this past Sunday, the break up became official.

To say I’m heartbroken seems like such a clichéd understatement.   The future I thought I was going to have is gone, and I feel kind of lost. There were a lot of factors that went into the breakup, and I know it was the right thing to do.   I’ve never really been in this position before.  Previous to him, I was exclusively a casual dater.  The idea of relationships and commitment scared me, and more often than not I just simply got bored with the guys I was dating really quickly.

He was completely unexpected and took me utterly by surprise. He made me want to take chances with my heart, because he is (even now) so unquestionably worth it. He was supportive and challenging, not just letting me rest on my laurels. He made me laugh all the time, and treated me like I was absolutely extraordinary. I don’t think there has ever been anyone in my life outside my family who has so consistently and happily gone out of their way for me. I fell in love before I even knew it was happening.

He made me a part of his family, who I simply adore. Coming from a relatively small family, his large boisterous family was totally new to me, and they are just amazing. Twice a year family reunions where everyone is glad to see each other; cousins and aunts and uncles who all talk to each other and are involved in each other’s life; true and honest interest on everybody’s part.  And that’s just the extended family.  His immediate family – his mom, stepdad, sister, brother-in-law and nephews – are even better.  They welcomed me into the family from the first day without any hesitations with love and open arms. I so earnestly wanted to be an official part of that family.

Losing my boyfriend who I had thought would become my husband (and all the future  we were going to have), and losing the family I dreamed of becoming a member of is rough enough.   I think what makes it so much worse is that he is also one of my best friends. I’m the kind of person who cannot have any sort of long term relationship without a solid foundation of friendship, and he became one of my closest confidants. We talked every day, throughout the day, and the current silence is deafening. We’ve agreed that we are both going to try to be friends again in time, and I have to take solace in that.

I spend most of my days emotionally numb, I guess as a way to cope. The mornings are the worst – waking up and remembering what happened, and then dealing with the quiet at work.  I work the first half of my shift alone 90% of the time, and I generally work before most people are awake.  It has been really hard to deal with the radio silence when it used to be that my phone was blowing up throughout the morning with texts from him. 

I’ve had a lot of support from friends and family, and I’m constantly told that it will get better. I’m reminded that the pain is temporary, and will fade with time.  That one day I’ll find someone who will love me as much as I love him, who will be a better fit. To be honest, it really doesn’t do anything to help.  I know I’ve said those platitudes to friends who have been heartbroken, fully meaning everything I was saying, but they don’t do much.  The fact is that I miss him to an unbelievable degree.

Coming to terms with my life without someone who was such a prominent player is painful.  Knowing that he’s hurting and lost too doesn’t make it any easier.  I went to his sister’s on Tuesday to say thank you and goodbye.   We ended up having a two hour conversation, during which I got a clearer insight into what he’s been thinking.  The fact that it is largely based on incorrect assumptions makes me kind of furious.   I want to talk to him and put things to rights, but I just don’t know that it’s worth doing. Would it just cause more pain? Would it create fissures and isolate him further than he’s already done?  Can I ever be okay being his friend without having said my peace?   I don’t know.  I’m still trying to figure that one out.

I’m trying to keep myself busy with friends, family and work.  Downtime (especially alone) is my enemy at the moment so I’m avoiding it as much as possible.  I’m going to create a physical list of things that I can do to keep myself occupied and ways to find moments of peace (or dare I hope, happiness) in the coming months.  Being positive in other peoples’ lives is a good place to start healing myself, so the Positivity Project may be my guidepost.

Pray for us, wish me luck, and stay tuned.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6