My First Sunday Without Him

Sundays used to be my favorite day of the week. Since I work Saturdays, Sundays were the only full day boy and I had together.  Being able to wake up in his arms, and being able to stay cuddled in bed, not having to rush off to work was incredibly special.  We’d make a giant breakfast, and in the colder months relax in front of the fire.  If it was the season, we’d watch sports (NASCAR and/or football), go to wineries, head to our favorite microbrewery (BadWolf!), hang out with family or friends, go boating in the summer, or just hang out for a quiet day at his house.  Sundays were my saving grace through the rest of the week.

Two Sundays ago, I woke up alone, but excited. The boy had been hunting and was coming back later that day. I was blissfully unaware that in a few short hours, he would come home proclaiming he was leaving, and start the end of our relationship.  Last Sunday, I woke up with my stomach in knots.  The boy was (once again) hunting, but coming back later that day.  This time I knew that when he came back, we’d be having a major talk…and I didn’t see it ending well.   Maybe it was good timing that we broke up when we did, because the boy and I haven’t had a Sunday morning together for (now) three weeks.

I woke up this morning alone, in a cold bed, missing him terribly. Like it has been for the last couple weeks, mornings continue to be the hardest part of my day. I turned on the tv since quiet is my enemy, and had to go through the list of reasons why things wouldn’t work with the boy.  With the vastness of the day without him looming ahead of me, I had to craft myself a schedule on what I was going to do today to keep busy.

My day is going to start with church with my mom, followed by The Theory of Everything.  Thinking on that now, that may not be a great decision, because I can see myself becoming an emotional mess in the movie.  Later, I’ve got plans with a couple of my friends (one of whom is also going through a breakup, so hanging out will help her as well).  When I come home tonight, I think I need to start on my list of things to do to keep busy.  I’ll write some letters, and try to connect with friends I don’t see much.  It will help to know that in the next couple of days, some peoples’ days will be made a bit brighter by getting a card or letter in the mail.

Sundays are going to be painful for a while, I think - at least until I can make new routines with different people. I look forward to getting to the point that I can look back on our two years on Sundays without any longing dulling all the happy memories. Who has Sundays free to play?

Heartbreak

A month ago, I thought that the biggest challenge for me with the Positivity Project would be dealing with Groupon customers at work.  I was wrong. Groupon is the least of my worries now.

Two weeks ago, the guy I’ve been dating for two and a half years--who I thought was the love of my life--basically told me that we weren’t going to work out.  He’s unbelievably unhappy living in this area (he’s a country boy) and hates his job.  He needs to move, and the place he’s moving – bumfucknowhere - I won’t be happy.  

He had been hunting and I hadn’t seen or heard from him in five days. When he gets home and one of the first things out of his mouth is “I’m leaving in the spring.”  We had a few days the next week of still being together but knowing that the end was coming, before an incident on Thanksgiving (where I fully admit I let my crazy out a bit, but so did he).  He went hunting the next day, and when he came back this past Sunday, the break up became official.

To say I’m heartbroken seems like such a clichéd understatement.   The future I thought I was going to have is gone, and I feel kind of lost. There were a lot of factors that went into the breakup, and I know it was the right thing to do.   I’ve never really been in this position before.  Previous to him, I was exclusively a casual dater.  The idea of relationships and commitment scared me, and more often than not I just simply got bored with the guys I was dating really quickly.

He was completely unexpected and took me utterly by surprise. He made me want to take chances with my heart, because he is (even now) so unquestionably worth it. He was supportive and challenging, not just letting me rest on my laurels. He made me laugh all the time, and treated me like I was absolutely extraordinary. I don’t think there has ever been anyone in my life outside my family who has so consistently and happily gone out of their way for me. I fell in love before I even knew it was happening.

He made me a part of his family, who I simply adore. Coming from a relatively small family, his large boisterous family was totally new to me, and they are just amazing. Twice a year family reunions where everyone is glad to see each other; cousins and aunts and uncles who all talk to each other and are involved in each other’s life; true and honest interest on everybody’s part.  And that’s just the extended family.  His immediate family – his mom, stepdad, sister, brother-in-law and nephews – are even better.  They welcomed me into the family from the first day without any hesitations with love and open arms. I so earnestly wanted to be an official part of that family.

Losing my boyfriend who I had thought would become my husband (and all the future  we were going to have), and losing the family I dreamed of becoming a member of is rough enough.   I think what makes it so much worse is that he is also one of my best friends. I’m the kind of person who cannot have any sort of long term relationship without a solid foundation of friendship, and he became one of my closest confidants. We talked every day, throughout the day, and the current silence is deafening. We’ve agreed that we are both going to try to be friends again in time, and I have to take solace in that.

I spend most of my days emotionally numb, I guess as a way to cope. The mornings are the worst – waking up and remembering what happened, and then dealing with the quiet at work.  I work the first half of my shift alone 90% of the time, and I generally work before most people are awake.  It has been really hard to deal with the radio silence when it used to be that my phone was blowing up throughout the morning with texts from him. 

I’ve had a lot of support from friends and family, and I’m constantly told that it will get better. I’m reminded that the pain is temporary, and will fade with time.  That one day I’ll find someone who will love me as much as I love him, who will be a better fit. To be honest, it really doesn’t do anything to help.  I know I’ve said those platitudes to friends who have been heartbroken, fully meaning everything I was saying, but they don’t do much.  The fact is that I miss him to an unbelievable degree.

Coming to terms with my life without someone who was such a prominent player is painful.  Knowing that he’s hurting and lost too doesn’t make it any easier.  I went to his sister’s on Tuesday to say thank you and goodbye.   We ended up having a two hour conversation, during which I got a clearer insight into what he’s been thinking.  The fact that it is largely based on incorrect assumptions makes me kind of furious.   I want to talk to him and put things to rights, but I just don’t know that it’s worth doing. Would it just cause more pain? Would it create fissures and isolate him further than he’s already done?  Can I ever be okay being his friend without having said my peace?   I don’t know.  I’m still trying to figure that one out.

I’m trying to keep myself busy with friends, family and work.  Downtime (especially alone) is my enemy at the moment so I’m avoiding it as much as possible.  I’m going to create a physical list of things that I can do to keep myself occupied and ways to find moments of peace (or dare I hope, happiness) in the coming months.  Being positive in other peoples’ lives is a good place to start healing myself, so the Positivity Project may be my guidepost.

Pray for us, wish me luck, and stay tuned.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

Positivity Set Back - Groupon

My short term goal of posting more often has definitely not been met.  There is a valid reason for it, though - and it’s not just laziness or forgetfulness!  Between Groupon, my assistant manager being out of town and being sick, the past couple of weeks have really not been a positive time for me, and I have done a pretty bad job of trying to turn it around.  

The start of Groupon was rough.  As I promised myself in my last post, I went into Groupon with positive, hopeful feelings.  It lasted two days.  It took two days to start to get the mean & rude people, but man, they came out in droves that first weekend!  People who yelled at us, called us incompetent, told us we were terrible at our jobs.  People who were so incredibly inconvenienced or upset by the rules of the Groupon that they didn’t read, which was OBVIOUSLY our fault.  The first weekend we almost had to call the police on one couple because they were verbally harassing an employee.

My resolve to keep positive, to try to be more understanding with people, and to not let the frustrations of work follow me home just crumbled.  My unhappiness at work followed me into my personal life, and made me less patient and forgiving of all the random people who caused me any frustration, irritation or annoyance.  

My assistant manager went home to visit family for 10 days, and it just happened to coincide with the second week of Groupon.  She had put her request in before we had any information about the Groupon, but it was really rough.  I had to pick up extra shifts, including closing FOH which is especially rough when my shifts generally start at 6am.  During that week I got sick, so I had just no energy to deal with anything.  

I will say that there was one particularly bright spot in that darkness.  I had one gentleman come in on a Friday and introduce himself with a handshake.  He said his daughter was having a birthday party and he wanted to get cupcakes.  He had two Groupons.  Just as I started to say that we could only do one per person per day (as is written on the Groupon) he cuts me off, saying he actually read the instructions!  It may not sound like a big deal, but at least 40% of people do not read them, and it leads to unhappiness.  He became the best Groupie we’ve had by asking if he could grab someone off the street to help him out.  I said absolutely. He then astutely asked that we must get a lot of angry people in here based on my cautious tone of voice.  We chatted for a bit about our families before a woman came into the shop.  He asked the woman to help him out, and for her troubles he bought her two cupcakes.  He then tipped us $10 and very sincerely wished us a good day.

In my worst dark moments with Groupon, I’ll hold on to that man – and the further proof how much a positive, personable encounter can brighten someone’s day up.  Now I just have to implement that in my life.

Groupon Starts Today

My company is running a six month long Groupon, which starts today.  I can't imagine anyone not knowing what Groupon is, but from the customer's point of view, it’s a great deal for food/services/adventures/products that you would likely not buy without said Groupon.  I know tons of people who use Groupon on a regular basis.  There was once a time where I also used Groupon or Living Social…but I haven’t been that person in a long time.

Here is Groupon from the perspective of someone who has to work it:  you get a mad rush of people, at least half of whom have not remotely read what they’re buying, so they try to get something the deal does not offer and get irritated or mad, and not uncommonly start to (I’m not exaggerating) scream or cry.  Of the people who buy the Groupon, probably about 22% are regular customers who are just excited for the deal, 8% are people who haven’t heard of us or wanted to try us and will come back without a Groupon, and 70% are people who only come in when they get a Groupon. 

Of that 70% of Groupies, 20% of people are nice and excited, 20% are quiet and seemingly uncaring about it, and 60% of the people are unreasonable monsters.  They want something other than the deal they bought, and cannot BEGIN to understand why you cannot make an exception for them!  I have been yelled at and cussed at. More times than I could begin to count I am told I am terrible at my job, a horrible human being and they were going to do their best to make sure my boss knew how worthless I am and hopefully I would get fired. I have been told that I am heartless and I have destroyed so many anniversaries/parties/dinners/etc, one would think I would make a living off of it.  The thing is, I’m truly not exaggerating.  Roughly 42% of the people that I’ve dealt with over the last 3 ½ years of Groupons make me HATE my job on so many days and are a huge contributed as to how much more of an unhappy person I am these days.

Anyone who has ever worked in the service industry knows that it can be a really hard, thankless job sometimes. People treat you as something subhuman or not even worth their notice. They can be demanding, ridiculous and just plain rude.  You can work your butt off to try to please a customer and they leave you a 10% tip because “they can’t afford to tip.”  (A quick aside: if you can’t afford to tip, you shouldn’t be eating out, but I’ll leave that rant for another day.)  Groupon is a whole other circle of Hell.  There is something about it that just brings out the worst in people. It gives them a sense of entitlement that allows them to treat people in a completely uncivilized and sometimes downright cruel manor.  It’s not just me, in case the thought was crossing your mind. I’ve talked to countless food industry people who have had to work it, and it’s just plain miserable. I have not yet run across anyone who has had to work a Groupon who has had a positive experience. Not one person.

Like I (briefly) mentioned, the other 58% of people who come in with a Groupon are just fine.  Some are actually amazing and so incredibly excited!  Often times, however, that 42% of terrible people just overshadow the good.

When I learned we would be doing yet another Groupon, I honestly started to wring up my resignation letter.  I opened Craigslist and started looking for new jobs.  The thing is that outside of Groupon, I (mostly) really like my job.  I work with great people and pretty much have complete creative control to do whatever I want. I work five minutes from my house, and my regulars are awesome.  I have an amazing set up at work, one which would be really difficult to find elsewhere, but I have had so, so many miserable experiences with Groupon that it poisons what’s good.

I had committed to starting the Positivity Project and written my first entry at Be Happy Anyway just one week before I found out about the impending Groupon.  I wasn’t sure if it was a sign that it was time for me to move on and find a new job, or if God was sending me a challenge to see if I’d put my money where my mouth was.  I don’t know that I’m really up for the challenge at this point. I would prefer it come along a few months in, when I had changed more of my habits and was better able to leave the bad days at work behind when I went home.  I do not apparently get that luxury; I’m going to just have to dive head first and hope I’m able to swim.

What’s the saying? “Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.”  How do you prepare for the worst in people while you’re trying to be less hateful, less judgmental, more understanding and more positive?  I’m going to try to go into today with an open mind and an honest smile on my face.  Maybe we won’t have our first mean person for several days, and it will be easier to keep the smile from becoming fake.  Maybe people will be more self-aware of how they’re acting and how they’re treating people over baked goods, and the 42% will become 12%.  I don’t know. 

I’ve got my Groupon playlist on my ipod blaring songs that put me in a good mood and make me want to sing and dance along. I’m taking a deep breath and sending up a few prayers for strength, patience and understanding.  I guess I’m ready to accept the challenge.  Wish me luck!

“People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway….  If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway. The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.  Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.”  

Positivity Round Up

I'm not good at creating new habits.  I'm a fairly habitual, routine oriented person, but creating new habits tends to be fraught with missteps. I do really well for the first week or so, but then as life and old habits get in the way, the new ones fall to the side.  The idea of the Positivity Project is to create new habits in my thinking, my actions and my emotional state.  The idea of the blog is to hold myself accountable to creating those new habits.  How do I hold myself accountable to updating the blog? I've never been great with journals or the like; I find it difficult to force myself to write when I am not inspired.  I will (attempt) to do better with updating my blog, even if it means shorter posts on occasion. That will be my goal for the week! 

 

I've done a mostly decent job since my last posting at the start of the month. Overall I still have a lot of negative thoughts about events and people, but I'm doing better with small tasks. I went through my clothes and got rid of a full Trader Joe's bag of items I don’t wear. As most females can relate to, I had a lot of "I don't really wear this because it doesn't fit right/falls weirdly on my body/is definitely not my style/will fit once I lose some weight/is incredibly uncomfortable but I will definitely wear it one day and I want to keep it until then" clothes. My style is relatively simple - comfort before fashion 90% of the time. I have tried to expand my wardrobechoices, convincing myself in the dressing room that I will definitely wear it if I bought it. Then, when you get home and pull it out of your closet one day, you realize you talked yourself into a dumb decision. Maybe you'll wear it once or twice, but it really was not a good purchasing choice.  For some reason, it is still really hard to part with those items! I am trying to downsize in general, because I have more than I need (except for books, I always need more books), so I really forced myself to evaluate these items I don't wear. They were all perfectly nice items, with minimum wear, and I knew that someone else could use it and appreciate it more. I dropped off the bag to Good Will.  Not only am I redusing the clutter, but hoepfully someone who needs it will find it.

 

My boyfriend has been sick this past week, so I've been attempting to nurse him back to health. This may not sound like anything impressive, but he does not take to nursing very well. Mostly he just wants to be left alone in his misery, and won't take care of himself much. I stayed up more than half the first night to force him to drink tea and honey, take lozenges, and make sure he was warm enough by building and maintaining a fire. He actually went home early from work the next day, which he never does. After an extremely long and crappy day, I went to the store, sat in an hour of traffic and proceeded to make him Italian Wedding Soup with homemade turkey meatballs so he would have something good for him to eat. I'm sure it doesn't sound likemuch, but all I wanted to do was go home, crawl in bed and watch tv alone for the rest of the night.  But I love the guy, and he does a wonderful job of taking care of me when I'm sick, so I swallowed my isolationist fantasies and did my best to help him get better. He is well on his way to the mend, if you're curious. 

 

The other weekend, boyfriend and I went to my parents for dinner. It was a hectic day and I was exhausted, but I know how much my parents miss be being around every day, so we went over for a few hours and picking up dinner on the way. I need to be better about spending more time with my family. I've seen more of the boyfriend's family the last month end half than I have mine, and I live closer to mine! I love my folks and (usually) get along with them really well. knowing how much my parents love it when I visit, I need to add it to the list of things to work on. 

 

Outside of all of that, mostly I try to just be more patient and understanding of my customers - and we've had some doozy of customers this week. I'm trying to get to know my regulars even more. I go through periods where I'm really good about it, and then I get caught up in all of my stuff to do at work, and I don't have those personal connections much with them. One olderish couple always get the same two cupcakes. I've learned to recognize the husband and the bright blue car (usually she) drives.  The other day I have them their regular for free. He was so startled and pleased, and gave me the biggest thank you. His wife even came in a minute later from the car to thank us! I know it should be the reason we do it, but it is always nice to receive a big thank you when we give out free things. The same man was in the store yesterday as I was trying to leave after another hectic, stressful day, but I stuck around to talk with him. Not just chit chat, but actually talk and get to know him. It turns out, he is kind of fascinating- he lived in Italy for 6 years and was part of the Italian protest walks! It was a really positive note to end on, after a fairly negative day.

 

I will continue to try to be happy and positive every day, and will try to be better about updating too! 

Have an awesome week, reader! 

Boyfriend's Birthday

Tuesday was my boyfriend's birthday.  When deciding what to do for him, I was considering a lot of possibilities.  As expected, I thought of his hobbies, loves and interests.  Eventually I decide to celebrate his birthday with one of his favorite things: food.

The boy conveniently works about a mile from my job, and less than five miles from my apartment.  He gets into work incredibly early in the morning- earlier than his baker girlfriend.  Normally I work on Tuesdays, so showing up at his work with coffee & breakfast is not particularly inconvenient to me.  Naturally I would have off this Tuesday, and bringing him coffee & breakfast would mean not getting to sleep in on one of the few occasions I actually had the chance to.  My alarm went off at 5:30am, and I seriously contemplated not going in until 8, but I knew he would have eaten breakfast by then.  Knowing my objective for the day was to make him feel special and loved, and knowing he was worth being inconvenienced for, I finally got my butt out of bed around 6:30.

I picked up coffee and breakfast from Starbucks because, despite being kind of a redneck, the boy is a coffee snob. After dropping them off and wishing him a happy birthday, I went home and set up an online order for catering from Jimmy Johns.  I got a party platter of his favorite sandwiches and set it up to be delivered at lunch time.  He was very excited by the sandwiches, and even was generous enough  to share some with his coworkers.  He did manage to eat 6 of the 15 sandwiches over a 3 hour period, though (and case you're wondering, he didn't gain a pound from it either).

After work we finished out his birthday with beers and dinner at Dogfish Head Ale House.  He loves craft beer, and the food is great too, so he had a great time.

I'm incredibly lucky to be with him, and I wanted to make sure he understood how special I think he is.  Hopefully I succeeded. After all, the way to a man's heart is through his six stomachs!

Awkward Bank Encounters

We go to the bank at work several times a week to deposit cash from the sales and to get change for the register.  (Just a quick aside: we never have much money in the shop, so if you're planning on robbing us, you may want to find someplace more worth your time and effort. Thanks!)  My FOH/Service Manager normally does these transactions, but when she's out of town or off on days they need to be done, I take over.

Donnelle generally goes at the start of her shift since she usually works the PM shifts.  Since I mostly work AM shifts, I ordinary go at the end of my shift. She goes perky, bright and fresh.  I go exhausted, and often, going to the bank is like a break from work.  I'm usually quiet - even though I'm always polite and friendly. The tellers apparently remarked to Donnelle once that I was "very serious".  There's nothing wrong with that, but I figured it would be better to be more personable and try to get to know them as people - not just use it as my place for a quiet breath.

Monday I went to do some deposits, and I tried really hard to chit chat and make conversation.  The thing that I must have forgotten when I resolved to do better talking to people is that I'm awkward as hell.  I am terrible at making chit chat.  If I'm not behind the counter, bar or apron of work, there is this switch that must get turned off.  I don't know if I'm as awkward outwardly as I feel, but I certainly hope not.

I bought a book on the art of conversation a couple years ago.  I should probably read that before I attempt connecting with the bank tellers again.  Sigh.  At least I tried?