Heartbreak

A month ago, I thought that the biggest challenge for me with the Positivity Project would be dealing with Groupon customers at work.  I was wrong. Groupon is the least of my worries now.

Two weeks ago, the guy I’ve been dating for two and a half years--who I thought was the love of my life--basically told me that we weren’t going to work out.  He’s unbelievably unhappy living in this area (he’s a country boy) and hates his job.  He needs to move, and the place he’s moving – bumfucknowhere - I won’t be happy.  

He had been hunting and I hadn’t seen or heard from him in five days. When he gets home and one of the first things out of his mouth is “I’m leaving in the spring.”  We had a few days the next week of still being together but knowing that the end was coming, before an incident on Thanksgiving (where I fully admit I let my crazy out a bit, but so did he).  He went hunting the next day, and when he came back this past Sunday, the break up became official.

To say I’m heartbroken seems like such a clichéd understatement.   The future I thought I was going to have is gone, and I feel kind of lost. There were a lot of factors that went into the breakup, and I know it was the right thing to do.   I’ve never really been in this position before.  Previous to him, I was exclusively a casual dater.  The idea of relationships and commitment scared me, and more often than not I just simply got bored with the guys I was dating really quickly.

He was completely unexpected and took me utterly by surprise. He made me want to take chances with my heart, because he is (even now) so unquestionably worth it. He was supportive and challenging, not just letting me rest on my laurels. He made me laugh all the time, and treated me like I was absolutely extraordinary. I don’t think there has ever been anyone in my life outside my family who has so consistently and happily gone out of their way for me. I fell in love before I even knew it was happening.

He made me a part of his family, who I simply adore. Coming from a relatively small family, his large boisterous family was totally new to me, and they are just amazing. Twice a year family reunions where everyone is glad to see each other; cousins and aunts and uncles who all talk to each other and are involved in each other’s life; true and honest interest on everybody’s part.  And that’s just the extended family.  His immediate family – his mom, stepdad, sister, brother-in-law and nephews – are even better.  They welcomed me into the family from the first day without any hesitations with love and open arms. I so earnestly wanted to be an official part of that family.

Losing my boyfriend who I had thought would become my husband (and all the future  we were going to have), and losing the family I dreamed of becoming a member of is rough enough.   I think what makes it so much worse is that he is also one of my best friends. I’m the kind of person who cannot have any sort of long term relationship without a solid foundation of friendship, and he became one of my closest confidants. We talked every day, throughout the day, and the current silence is deafening. We’ve agreed that we are both going to try to be friends again in time, and I have to take solace in that.

I spend most of my days emotionally numb, I guess as a way to cope. The mornings are the worst – waking up and remembering what happened, and then dealing with the quiet at work.  I work the first half of my shift alone 90% of the time, and I generally work before most people are awake.  It has been really hard to deal with the radio silence when it used to be that my phone was blowing up throughout the morning with texts from him. 

I’ve had a lot of support from friends and family, and I’m constantly told that it will get better. I’m reminded that the pain is temporary, and will fade with time.  That one day I’ll find someone who will love me as much as I love him, who will be a better fit. To be honest, it really doesn’t do anything to help.  I know I’ve said those platitudes to friends who have been heartbroken, fully meaning everything I was saying, but they don’t do much.  The fact is that I miss him to an unbelievable degree.

Coming to terms with my life without someone who was such a prominent player is painful.  Knowing that he’s hurting and lost too doesn’t make it any easier.  I went to his sister’s on Tuesday to say thank you and goodbye.   We ended up having a two hour conversation, during which I got a clearer insight into what he’s been thinking.  The fact that it is largely based on incorrect assumptions makes me kind of furious.   I want to talk to him and put things to rights, but I just don’t know that it’s worth doing. Would it just cause more pain? Would it create fissures and isolate him further than he’s already done?  Can I ever be okay being his friend without having said my peace?   I don’t know.  I’m still trying to figure that one out.

I’m trying to keep myself busy with friends, family and work.  Downtime (especially alone) is my enemy at the moment so I’m avoiding it as much as possible.  I’m going to create a physical list of things that I can do to keep myself occupied and ways to find moments of peace (or dare I hope, happiness) in the coming months.  Being positive in other peoples’ lives is a good place to start healing myself, so the Positivity Project may be my guidepost.

Pray for us, wish me luck, and stay tuned.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6